The ebb and flow

In the sky

What just happened?

The further I get from our breakup the more I see how lost I was with you. And the more I ponder why on earth I let that happen. And how is it possible that the time I was happiest in my life was also the time I was most untrue to myself?

These last few months have been a reintroduction to myself. Sometimes painful, sometimes wonderful, but all times strange and unfamiliar. Like I'm both meeting myself and catching up at the same time. My inspiration came back today - my creativity, insight, motivation, opinions. It truly feels like I stopped having opinions for the last 6-9 months of our relationship. Why?

Its no wonder you didn't love me because I wasn't even a person anymore by the time we broke up. I was a blob of play-dough that I'd given you to form, except you didn't, you just let it harden and dry out and crumble. Why did I do that?

I put my lifelong dream on hold for you. I sacrificed my body for you, my spirituality and my sexuality. Why??? You didn't even ask me to. What was I thinking?

The further in time I get away from February 11th, the less I understand about what even happened in my life for the last two years. Its all a blur. A big nonsensical blur of incredible highs separated by long, dull lows and the desire to get back up.

Did I even love you? I know now that you didn't love me. That's not what love looks like. Giving nothing, taking everything. That's not love. But I don't think giving everything and taking nothing is love either. So what was that?

We connected on some level I'd never felt before. I know I wasn't lying when I said I'd never loved someone so much. Except that it wasn't love. I just didn't know it? We had nothing in common besides the things I changed about myself so we could share them. We had no business being together, and yet we were, and it was an experience I would never take back (and I doubt you would either), but what experience was it?

Why did we become so tightly intertwined for such a brief moment in time? We're both so different now, and we'll never be the same again. The chasm will only keep growing. Its likely our paths will never cross again. What happened to us?