The ebb and flow

In the sky

What just happened?

The further I get from our breakup the more I see how lost I was with you. And the more I ponder why on earth I let that happen. And how is it possible that the time I was happiest in my life was also the time I was most untrue to myself?

These last few months have been a reintroduction to myself. Sometimes painful, sometimes wonderful, but all times strange and unfamiliar. Like I'm both meeting myself and catching up at the same time. My inspiration came back today - my creativity, insight, motivation, opinions. It truly feels like I stopped having opinions for the last 6-9 months of our relationship. Why?

Its no wonder you didn't love me because I wasn't even a person anymore by the time we broke up. I was a blob of play-dough that I'd given you to form, except you didn't, you just let it harden and dry out and crumble. Why did I do that?

I put my lifelong dream on hold for you. I sacrificed my body for you, my spirituality and my sexuality. Why??? You didn't even ask me to. What was I thinking?

The further in time I get away from February 11th, the less I understand about what even happened in my life for the last two years. Its all a blur. A big nonsensical blur of incredible highs separated by long, dull lows and the desire to get back up.

Did I even love you? I know now that you didn't love me. That's not what love looks like. Giving nothing, taking everything. That's not love. But I don't think giving everything and taking nothing is love either. So what was that?

We connected on some level I'd never felt before. I know I wasn't lying when I said I'd never loved someone so much. Except that it wasn't love. I just didn't know it? We had nothing in common besides the things I changed about myself so we could share them. We had no business being together, and yet we were, and it was an experience I would never take back (and I doubt you would either), but what experience was it?

Why did we become so tightly intertwined for such a brief moment in time? We're both so different now, and we'll never be the same again. The chasm will only keep growing. Its likely our paths will never cross again. What happened to us?

So I did it. I moved. By myself. All the way across the country from one hipster culture hub to the other. Threw out almost everything I own. Kind of wish I'd thrown out more.

It looks like Seattle. It smells like Seattle. The rain is falling outside and I'm staying in a house with a dock on a lake. But I didn't get to say goodbye to my lake. My place. I bet you've got one too. That place you go when you just want to be alone and think. That place you go when you need a magical moment of insight. That place is several thousand miles away now and I didn't get to go before I left.

Eternal truths emerge persistently across wide expanses of distance and time in human history. I know these concepts to be true, yet still I despair painfully that they are not.

“Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. 

As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. 

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; 

and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. 

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. 

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; 

 for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 

 Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 

 Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. 

 But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; 

 and everywhere life is full of heroism. 

 Be yourself. 

 Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; 

 for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. 

 Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 

 Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 

 But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. 

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. 

 Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. 

 You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. 

  And whether or not it is clear to you, 
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

 Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, 

 and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. 

 With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
 Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata"



Easier said than done, right?

I guess I'm just invisible today.

My scream. And then the world lost color.

What goes up must come down

I flew too close to the sun..